I cry a lot lately.
Strange, because I'm not an overly emotive person. I don't know if it is just my personality or if it comes from years of stuffing it down in order to appear "tough." My husband has labeled the phenomena - he calls it my "emotional beta-blockers." There are so many instances in my life when I have longed to be able to generate more emotion, so that I could assure people of my sincerity. But many times, I just can't get my outward emotions to match was is going on inside my heart.
But this process, I don't know...the emotions are overwhelming. I'm not sure what the tears even represent...I think mostly just exhaustion and fear of the unknown. Our baby has known so much sadness. We are traveling very far away from our little ones for quite a few days and I already ache for how much I will miss them. There is much to be done before we are able to travel. Ethiopia is not surrounded by "friendly" countries and that fear is constantly lingering. We don't know how the health of our baby will be when we finally meet him - what issues we will be dealing with long-term. Life is full and not ceasing to allow me to pack and prepare. The trip will be long and difficult. The whirlwind of "what-ifs" swirls continuously in my brain.
It is too difficult to process. Too many questions. Too much to sort out. So I weep. I'm a little uncomfortable with it because it isn't how I am wired, yet it is beginning to feel amazingly helpful. I cry. I pray. God meets me.
There will be those who read this who are at a different point on this same journey of adoption. Be prepared, that as the day to meet your little one grows closer, the tears will flow more freely. If you are a loved one of someone navigating an adoption, be sensitive to the complex emotions and realize they may need a little extra care and concern. They are fragile right now. If you are like me, and you find raw emotion to be terrifying, try to let go a little and embrace the tears. I am finding it a quite helpful way for my heart to deal with not knowing what else to do. :)
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing all of these details, Tiffany. It's nice for those of us waiting to hear what the trip is really like. So do you get to take the baby with you to Acacia Village? We also want to see AV if possible. I'm praying for you as you prepare for this life changing trip.
Oh Tiffany - this brings back so many memories and emotions. You are so busy now getting ready but when you get on that plane, you will have lots of time to decompress and I'm so praying for you on that let of this journey! Although we only knew Carter for two days before he was in our arms, that 4 hours on the plane were the hardest thing I've ever done in life I think! I was sure I would be sick all the way there but when he was in our arms, it all faded away. Immediately, I knew that God had put us there just when we needed to be there!
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