No Quick Fix

My last post was about the wrestling match I was having with God in my search for peace in the middle of our nightmare. If this were a movie, now it would be time for the part where I say that I have worked through all of the issues, surrendered...and then it would be all wrapped up in a neat little "I am thankful for my suffering because..." package.

But this isn't a movie, this is my life and quite honestly, I hate it right now. I am still kicking and screaming, longing for what was as I struggle to adjust to this new normal. It is hard. So hard. I do have moments now, where this is a small measure of peace...but it is still fleeting and it is usually quickly erased by the random tsumanis of grief that come flooding back in unexpectedly. I can be perfectly fine one minute and then the next, in the depths of despair.

This is a process...and I doubt that I will ever have it completely wrapped up in some neat little God story, ready for a testimony video in church. I suspect there will be times of peace and times of utter doubt and fear and it is going to be about continually, repeatedly choosing to trust Him. It will not be a once and done thing...it is much too complex and painful for that. I may never even fully know or grasp the reasons why we had to go through this. Sometimes after surviving a trial we have a very clear understanding of why we walked through it and in other instances, we may not know until we meet Jesus. This terrifies me...all of this. I like plans and schedules and keeping my emotions in check...this messiness frightens me. The pain, the refining, being immersed in the fire...there are no words for how difficult it is.

So for now, no epiphanies...no complete and utter surrenders without looking back. Maybe at some point I will gain a bit of clarity, but right now...I'm just trying to stay afloat amidst the agony in my heart...praying that peace and strength come....otherwise, I am not strong enough to survive the muck...