Living in the Day

Before our lives changed forever, I was already feeling a bit weary. The homework, driving, laundry, sports, chores...doing the life that goes with raising four children...can be tiring...repetitive. Still, I was content (or at least I thought so) because routine is comfortable. Plans are comfortable. The illusion of control is comfortable. I have never just "lived in the day." I thought I did - was...but looking back...it's laughable. Living in the moment isn't something we (recovering) Type A planners do well. Actually, we loathe it...it is completely foreign to us and it feels ridiculous and irresponsible. We are control freaks and not controlling every moment makes us feel...yucky.

But having a child with cancer, forces you to live in the day. In part because tomorrow is very scary and in part because your schedule is dictated by this insidious disease. The battles are grueling. The war is long. The emotions are raw. There are doctors appointments and chemo. There are side effects and fevers and hospital stays. The more you plan ahead, the more disappointments are left in the wake. It is not a schedule that can be controlled. So you end up living in the day, because if your child is home and feeling healthy...you want to treasure that day, those hours...those minutes. In the beginning, it was torture...the not planning, not knowing. Disappointment after disappointment...some small, some huge, all painful. But I am faintly hearing Him now...even though it is a whisper. It is there where I couldn't hear it before. I am sensing that there is something great to be learned here...in this valley. I don't want to admit it. No Lord. I don't want to hear it really...but cancer forces you to hear, to re-evaluate...to lean on Him.

My "Jesus Calling" for April 11 said this:

"To find joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four-hour segments. I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in My Presence today."

If I had read this three months ago I would have nodded my head, "Ahhh...yes...this is so true." I thought I understood.

I had no clue.

My first experiences at living in the day have come just recently. When you don't know what tomorrow brings, you have to, it is the only way to keep moving forward, breathing. Living in the past creates sadness, because the past was more simple, happier. The future is terrifying because it could hold the unthinkable. I was recently reminded by a wise woman that if I am too busy looking in some other direction, then I may miss the amazing things God is doing right now...in the moment. What if He is working miracles in my heart, in my life, in the heart and lives of those around me...and I am missing it because I'm facing the wrong way.

I still haven't embraced this...living in the day. I don't know if I ever can, fully. I am selfish and sinful. Contently living in God's plan means that I must trust that He knows best. Even when I think otherwise...when His plan is different from my plan. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to keep your mind on track, in the moment...to keep it from wandering someplace other than the now. I need to spend time with Him each day or else losing focus is guaranteed. But I do see change happening. Slowly. I am treading carefully as I try to let go of the schedule and planning...the facade of control.

Something is happening deep in my soul, of that I am certain. Even though I don't like it...it is beyond painful. He is trying to show me something. I don't want to admit it...but my heart is beginning to stir...my soul beginning to shape. If I could just stop kicking and screaming long enough...listen more, complain less...be thankful in every circumstance...

I am fairly certain that then, His voice would grow louder than a whisper...